Reflection from "The Rest of God" Restore-Chapter 10

Do you want to be well?

Lord, I think I do. But I think I don't. Oh there is this inner struggle. I want certain things out of this life. You have revealed to me my heart of self entitlement this year and I know that I am not entitled, but I still desire them. I feel as though You are holding out on me and yet, I know that I lack no good thing. I am struck by my dad's words about those of us who lose hope are wanting to find too much fulfillment this side of heaven. Lord, only You can satisfy. I don't know how to be well. I know You must heal, but I don't know what needs to be healed. So would You just heal me?

I have heard You speak, but I don't want to live on past promises.

"Come to me, trust me completely."

Lord, I want to say an enthusiastic "yes," but I say it with hesitation and with great fear of what may come. Lord, I think of Buzzie's talk and praying that You would make me a woman of faith no matter the cost. Lord, I am scared of what it may cost. 

"Do you still have no faith?"

Lord, help my unbelief. You are good, no matter the circumstance. You are more than enough. I will fear You more than I will fear singleness and walk down whatever road You guide me.

Has your illness defined you?

Lord, I think that my greatest "illness" is singleness, but its not really an illness, just a bad attitude at times on my part, for it is a gift from You. It has ups and downs, and its purposes, and is this not the way You have ordained it to be? And yet, could there be restoration? So not restoration as in no longer being single, but a genuine contentment no matter the circumstance?

"Contentment comes from knowing Me, finding your life in Me. You are too busy. You are laboring, at times, out of your own strength. Ministry will not satisfy you, even successful ministry. Only I will."

O Lord, forgive me for my foolishness, my forgetfulness. Lead me in the way of the everlasting, make me abide, lead me to the green pastures. You are my hope, my home is with You. I feel stupid, can I not be stupid anymore? I am guessing probably not this side of heaven.
Restore me, Lord. You are the Potter, I am the clay.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

-Romans 12:12

"now with patience in our suffering

perseverance in our prayers

with good reason this hope is in our hearts

hallelujah hallelujah

Christ our joy and strength

hallelujah hallelujah

Christ our joy and strength"

-Sara Groves "Joy in Our Hearts"