broken and grateful

My dear friend, Lauran, and I have had a long distant friendship for the last six years. Suffice it to say we have done a fair amount of communication via telephone. In our commitment to pray for each other and know where the other one is at in life, we began using Sara Groves' song titles and lyrics to quickly summate how we were doing. I recently told Lo, that the song “What I Thought I Wanted” best describes the majority of the sentiments of my heart lately, at least the ones that need prayer. The main idea in the song is that God is sovereign, and that in hopes and expectations that are unfulfilled or met differently, we are left broken and grateful.

In the last few months I have told people at different times, “we’re always broken, but sometimes we feel it more.” On March 1 my decision to The Navigators about continuing on staff next year was due. It was a hard decision to make, but I believe that the Lord is guiding me to leave staff and to trust Him with the unknowns ahead. There are several reasons that made my decision challenging. One of the most challenging factors to work through was the fact that I had not done the best job in pacing myself during my time on EDGE Corps. Over winter break I found myself the most exhausted I had ever been. I had been burning the candle at both ends. When I look back though, I also feel like I have said yes to the things that God wanted me to, and that my double portion of training was really more than I could deal with. However, it was hard to work through this because this is not a reason to quit doing something, but it was also the thing that I was feeling the most strongly at the time. If the Lord was calling me to stay on staff than lack of sleep is a sacrifice I would make by His strength and grace.

The thing is though, God isn’t calling me to stay on staff with Navs next year. It is hard to say that because I am not 100% sure what God is calling me to, but I am not going to stay on staff just because it would be easy, or even because it fits in with the plans I have had for my life (the plan for vocational ministry). As I prayed and processed this decision, some of the most helpful counsel I received was focused on the principles of calling from the Bible. It was from Mark Stebbins, the Western Collegiate Director for The Navigators, and he shared with me three I’s of calling. The first I is that God interrupts people, their lives and plans. Secondly, God gives them insight, either about who He is, who they are or others. Lastly, God gives instructions about the calling.

My plans have definitely been interrupted and God has given me insight about who I am. I am waiting on the instructions and specifics.

In the meantime, God has opened a door for me to interview at a charter school in Chandler, Arizona. I am especially excited about this opportunity for about 20 different reasons. My interview is tomorrow at 1:00 p.m. I would appreciate your prayers, mostly because I hate the idea of selling myself. Would you pray that I would honor the Lord during this time?

Would you also keep me in your prayers as I continue on staff with The Navigators through June? Please pray that I would make the most of the time that I have left in Long Beach, and that I would be faithful with the people and opportunities the Lord has given me. Pray also for my heart, it is HARD to leave Long Beach and my Nav family there. God has taught me so much during my six years here and The Navigators have been a huge blessing to me. I am so thankful for the ways that the Lord has used them to grow my relationship with Him and equip me to minister to others.

“What I thought I wanted, and what I got instead, leaves me broken and somehow grateful.”