Fine and Not So Fine

Two weeks ago Alicia and I were responsible for the Nav West lunch. For dessert, I had decided to make my mom's chocolate cake. All that week I had been feeling disconnected from my family. But as the cake baked and its smell filled the air I felt like I was almost home. Then I saw my mom's facebook status, and it said, "Baking a cake to take to work for a co-workers birthday tomorrow...its chocolate and smells delicious. I hope she likes it." The fact that my mom and I were baking the same cakes and smelling the same smells at the same moment filled my heart with great delight. Cheesy, but it made me so happy.

Last night, after a full day, I was driving home from campus and trying to convince myself that I was fine. As I parked in front of my house, one of my best friends called. I heard her hello and the tears began.
"How are you?"
"I was just trying to convince myself that I am fine, but I'm NOT fine!"
So thankful for the care she offered, her genuine concern and her sweet encouragement. Thankful that I don't have to explain my thought processes because she knows them.

Then today, during my afternoon break from Nav West, I was still not so fine. I was buying a water bottle at a Target in Mission Veijo, when I heard a voice from behind me. "Alissa?" I turned around and who did I see? My mom's old boss. She was babysitting her grand kids for the week. How random! But our short interaction was encouraging to me. She gave me a hug and told me that she loves getting my letters and is praying for me. It may be silly, but I saw someone from Blythe!

These interactions are all different, but they all strike a similar chord within me. The chord of shared experience and life, and the comfort there is in it.



All that said, I have cried more this last week than I have in a really long time; tears of joy, tears of fear, tears or worry and tears of thankfulness. Tears from being in a place in life that I have never been before (I'd love to be more explicit, but am not at liberty to do so).

Joy-some big excitements on the horizon and seeing the sweet faithfulness of the Lord to me and those I love the most. A lot of hopes stirring...
Fear and Worry-that these hopes won't come to fruition...that if I'm this worked up about these things I'm unfit for life.
Thankfulness-thinking about Jesus, the cross, redemption, victory over sin and life in the Spirit.

But in all of these mixed emotions, I see God prodding my heart and asking me to trust Him more deeply and to have my hopes firmly rooted in Him.

I have had to ask myself some of the questions that I ask the girls I disciple. The one I have not liked my answer to is, "What do my thoughts, feelings, fears, behaviors, and etc. say about who I believe God is?"

I confess, they have been saying that I don't believe God is sovereign and good, but He IS and I have seen this in my life, the lives' of others and in Scripture. So I will take these thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ. I will be transformed by the renewing of my mind, in God's time and care. I will trust Him.

Lord, thank You for Your grace as You continue to refine me and draw me into deeper intimacy with You. May I have the faith of an obedient child.